A Familiar Loss

Since the death of my dad last fall, my choices have catapulted our lives into a bittersweet mix of trial and change.

Some good some bad, all different.

The homestead has had many births and new beginnings but today I fear we must again morn one of our family members.

Our cat Luna has not been home in more than a week and after loosing our other cat (Felix) last year about the same I fear the worst.

We have Coy-wolfs, lynxes, bear, fisher cats, logging, cars etc.. in the neighborhood.  She is a ‘cat’s cat’ one of the finest specimens I have ever owned and so she had free range of the outer world.

This freedom is one I believe cats are owed but one that always makes me nervous for this exact reason.

Many times they don’t make it home.

Dealing with the absence of anything you love it is a difficult process, one that I have had more than I have wanted this year- but that is life.

What makes me happy is knowing that the relationship I shared with my kitty was a good one.  One where no encounter was wasted and I hugged her everytime she would ‘allow it’ (and admittedly many times she did not, cause she was my pretty little kitty.)

Death often brings regret with it and I am grateful that for me- it rarely does.

Since my OCD makes me chronically aware of the mortal nature of the world I rarely if ever pass up a moment to share my love with all the things that share my space.

Every morning I went to the chickens she would meet me, meowing at my attention to such strange and feathered beings over herself.

I would scoop her up, hug her very tight and ask about her nightly doings.  She would purr and cuddle in my embrace (often drooling- as some cats do, slight eww)

When she missed two days of this daily routine in a row I feared the worst. My husband is the consummate optimist and still holds out hope that she is just gone ‘walk about’ and will return soon.

I do too but- well…

She is the best cat I have ever shared life with and there have been many.  The first time we met she was so aloof and I didn’t care.  I wore her down and after a time I know she enjoyed my attention as much as I loved hers.

Over the years we have made a close and almost telapapatic connection with each other.

Truth be told I miss her very badly and while I still hold out hope, my heart has been in half morning for sometime now.

I have never wanted to be wrong more in my life.

We will keep her perches as they are,  for months to come.   Just in case.

I will miss her mischief.

I will miss her company, energy and her love.

She is irreplaceable and so we have no plans to do so.

Cats should be outside but outside here, is wild.  This is why the dogs stay with us and there is a fence for the chickens.  It is one of the most difficult aspects of living in the boonies but one that I am still willing to accept and adapt to.

It doesn’t help the pain or the sadness all I can hope for is that she is one a great adventure and will be home soon.  If she is not I have no doubt that she knew she was loved deeply and will always have a home here if she wants it.

Uggghh 😦