8/20/09

Boys,

It is just so very hard- hard to see you both smiling in pictures knowing that it’s not for me, that you don’t even remember me anymore.

It is hard to know that I am not wanted in your lives, hard to know that people think that is what’s best for you.

Hard to realize that as time passes the few memories you may have of me will fade into nothingness.  It is hard not be able to be there for you, even just a little.

Hard to take that if we do meet again we will be starting over.

Hardest to feel this ache a place where you live inside of me and knowing you can’t be there to fill it.  It is difficult to accept that I have no validity to be a part of your lives.

But this is selfish and there is nothing for it but time.  Maybe with time this will change and I may be blessed with the chance to be a part of your lives.

I want to make it clear that I do not harbor resentment for the actions of others.

I only wish that things could be different, but I have made my choices and I allow others to make theirs.

Time will pass, it will not judge.

I wish to say that “only time will tell” but this implies that a conclusion will be made at some point, that someone will be deemed right.  That is not the way that life works.

Time passes as do opportunities and that is what is hardest; missing opportunities, to teach you Spanish, how to draw dragonflies for daddy, how to cook or put ice down his shirt.

I can only hope that we will all meet again and that I may have the chance to help to you make sense of life.

Know that while this is the hardest thing I have ever delt with, if the future holds even the smallest chance of being around you two its all worth it.  The only thing time will do is give you both the choice to have me in your life and I hope that you will give me that chance.

I guess we will see, until then I think of you both constantly and keep you with me wherever I go.

Know that I love your father and that I will do right by all of you and maybe a time will come when you will know who I am.

…………….. FIVE YEAR LATER AND 3000 MILES AWAY………………

They know me!

The real me, I have not hidden or changed any part of myself for them.

I have been honestly myself and they love me for it.  They choose to listen to me and they are absolutely sure I will be there for them.
They are secure in that knowledge without a doubt.

I have taught them many things, they remember them and even sometimes appreciate them.  They know some Spanish and understand me when I speak to them.

They both love to help me cook and even do the dishes with me.  They are both amazing artists.  We all play constant jokes on daddy that go WAY past just ice down his shirt.

I have kept all my promises and made many new ones.  My heart still aches when they are not around but I know they keep me in theirs when they are away.

They run to the car when I pick them up and seem genuinely happy in my care.  I do not mean to leave my husband out, this is very much a ‘WE’ operation but I treasure the fact that we have a bond that does not depend on him.

Each of our relationships’ is singular and special, made up of all the things unique between those two people.  We have built a strong family unit on the foundation that our individual relationships have allowed.

We share long car rides (we do all the driving – 2 hours each way) and talk about everything under the sun and we have made so many new memories they are uncountable.

Now they will randomly remind me of “the time we…” I could hardly ask for more.

Our lives are not perfect and there is much work yet to be done but finding my past writing really reinforced how far we have come- how much things do change in time and how lucky we all are to have one another.

It is still hard, it will always be hard.  That’s life but it has proven more worth it than I ever could have imagined it would be when I wrote those lamenting words five years ago.

I refuse to stop acknowledging how amazing it is to be in their lives, even if it is just a little bit.
I have no control over the details of their day to day.

As a step parent you are always following the footsteps and choices of others, making adjustments and trudging on.
Your life is not your own but a constant compromise with people who do not have your interests at heart.

All you can hope is that the needs of the children are being put above everything else and try to act with understanding and compassion to everything else.

I guess my point is that anyone going though a tough spot in their life right now- it will pass.  I have no clue if tomorrow all these words will be proven untrue but I don’t care:

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall.  Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. — ” RWE

Just like when I wrote those words a lifetime ago in California I have no idea what the next five years hold for us now.  All I can say is that I am grateful to have had the opportunity and happy at the choices I have made.

They have mattered even when it seemed like doing right didn’t do a thing, it did.

I had no idea the tree that would spring from that seed and I still can not tell what it will look like when it has grown.
It just grows slowly, great oaks all start from tiny sprigs and only time allows them to be what they started out to be years before. It takes the sun the rain and time, to grow anything worth growing.

That is the way nature works.

I will continue to speak my truth support the boys, my husband and myself as best I can.   I will use my experiences to guide me as they are the only tools available to me to create a truly authentic life for myself and my ever-evolving family.

I will be kind to myself and others and forgive myself when I fall short knowing tomorrow is a blessing and another day to try again. I always seem to arrive at the same place from a different direction, love and compassion make life worth living.

If it seems that you are in a place that lacks love and compassion in your life it may only be because you have forgotten to give those daily treasures to yourself and that is an easy fix once recognized.

Be well all and thank you for reading my thoughts, your time is appreciated!

Oh, and throw your kids in a lake whenever you can.

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How else are they going to learn to walk on water?

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