Shit Sandwich Part 3-The Spicy Pepper Anger Sauce
Some people skip this ingredient on their sandwich. Many folks only have a couple angry spaces they have to pass through in their grieving, and some of us get extra.
Let’s talk about death, shall we?
Hey wait, where are you going?
Why does everyone do that?!
In this sandwich metaphor I’m embracing, it should be no surprise that the meat of this process is the grieving, and that meat is raw.
Since she was born, it’s always been this way. During our childhood everywhere I looked in our small house there was a reminder of my sister. As we grew, the physical there-ness of her was inescapable. We shared a bed for many, many years and… Continue Reading “Everywhere I look, there she is.”
I was folding towels, of all things, when my phone went off across the room. Expecting nothing pressing, I kept folding towels. It went off again, beeping that a voice message had been left. I kept folding. Then it buzzed some more, with another… Continue Reading “Shit sandwich part one- the bread”
Reflecting at the lake always gives pause to my bounty of existential distress. In order to be still and alone, I walked away from the cacophony of the lakegoers, along a path that is barely there, praying for perspective.
I often refer to this season as the ‘dregs of winter’, when snow still covers the earth and spring seems like a dream. Since 2014 I have been crafting Pysanka eggs around March when the hens increased laying reminds me that spring is inevitable. … Continue Reading “Pysanky 2022”
a quick story about a girl, the woods and fire.
This November, I woke up early to try and get some holiday tasks done, but it was not what my day would bring. Instead, I realized I needed to get Isis to a vet, never thinking she wouldn’t be coming back home. She had… Continue Reading “Our Fluffy Angel”
What a disservice it is to define magic in Disney terms. Reducing it to a stream of glitter leaping from a wand, but mostly because by those impossible standards, it cannot exist.
Squinting into the sun, I could not see what was right in front of me. The boys bounding over rocks, leaping casums and laughing at the day. Their little sister, trying to keep up, but trailing far away.
Last week, a beloved friend of mine posted a beautiful letter to her mother on the second anniversary of her death. I tried to think exactly how long it had been since my dad passed, and I couldn’t do it. Was it 2012? Or… Continue Reading “Is and Isn’t”
PJ and I are very fortunate to be able to stay home, so we do. During the warm months it was easy to spend the days outside; walking in the woods, playing with the chickens and tending the garden. Winter has given those outdoor… Continue Reading “Stir Crazy”
*I wrote this a while back. It has taken this long to edit and post. All accounts of the gardens and sheep are not current 🙂 Summer 2018- Adjusting to having a daughter has been surreal and overwhelming in every way possible. There is anxiety that… Continue Reading “She’s Got the Whole World in Her Hands”
Dear mom, I hope this letter reaches you. My warden/guard/fellow prisoner will no doubt try to intercept this correspondence. (To date- she has postponed it’s creation by a week, using nothing more than dirty diapers and grunts of discontent.) She will stop at nothing… Continue Reading ” A Letter From Baby Jail”
I don’t know how it happened, but May is almost over. Shoot, it might BE over by the time I hit ‘publish’ (I have been working on this post for a couple days). Somewhere in-between midnight feedings and dirty diapers a whole month slipped… Continue Reading “May? What May?”
Child birth is often touted as the most pain a person can experience and I can’t say that I disagree. I can say that it is a fortunate thing the body has no capacity to remember that pain. I remember it happened and that… Continue Reading “All-You-Can-Take Mother’s Day Pain Buffet”
This week proved once again (and still) how awesome the boys are. I am officially 8 3/4 months pregnant and in this state it could be a real drain to have two rambunctious kids running round for ten days, but true to form the… Continue Reading “Spring Break, Homestead Edition”
I am expecting my first biological child this spring. We had been trying for many years. Just when I had decided it was not in the cards and turned my attention to enjoying all the advantages that came with my step children getting older, we… Continue Reading “What Produce Section are They Shopping In?!”
I have thought many times before that children are the ultimate measure of time. Their progress is one of the most palpable demonstrations of daily growth. Children change at a rate that is impossible to ignore, as long as you are paying attention. It… Continue Reading “Taking Time to See the Light”
In 2017 I started more drafts of posts that have gone unpublished than ever before. There is so much I have felt I needed to say but I lack the time to get them to a place worth sharing. These scattered unfinished thoughts have been… Continue Reading “Frozen New Year”
My husband and the boys had me brainwashed into thinking it was going to be a boy. All the conversations we had about the new baby used the pronoun “he.” My husband kept insisting that he “only makes boys” (he was kidding, kind of) and with two… Continue Reading “It’s a… Middle Finger!?”
It might be a bit of a shock that over the last four years of this blog I have left out one of the major aspects of our life together. One of the main reasons behind leaving my job for a simpler life after my… Continue Reading “A Little Big News”
All night I tossed the turned, dreaming fitfully of the morning’s macabre task. Each time I woke- my stomach dropped as I realized it had been a dream and the deed still lay before me. I woke up before dawn and headed out to… Continue Reading “Gruesome Gratitude”
My little cousin got married last month. Though truth be told, he can hardly be called “little” by any stretch of the imagination. He now looks a little like Clark Kent, can bench press an obscene amount of weight and will some day soon… Continue Reading “So Close and Yet So Far”
At its worst; losing a family member can be seem like a bottomless pit of sorrow, at it best it is a empty hollow place- either way it is an unavoidable ‘adjustment.’ Our own recent transition has been… as smooth as a thing that… Continue Reading “No Dogs Allowed!”
For over two months normal greetings between my husband and I have been replaced with one question. “How is she?” At first, the answers were hopeful but as time went on we both had to accept that we had gotten to THAT place. The… Continue Reading “All Good Dogs Must Come To An End.”
My godfather Mike was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS) when I was young. I don’t know how old exactly, or how long he suffered before succumbing to the illness when I was nine. He had given my parents strict orders that I was… Continue Reading “Declaration of a Different Kind.”
More then a decade ago, this picture was taken. I was a line cook on the Santa Cruz Municipal Wharf in a high-end Mexican restaurant. I would come in first thing in the morning, prep for the day, work the line at lunch and stay… Continue Reading “On Giving and Getting”
Last month, marked three years since my dad passed. In my meditations of him I came across a memory. Our family’s version of a holiday story; about a time when he poked me, I hit him and we both learned an important lesson about the world… Continue Reading “A Jolly Poke In The Ribs”
I met a young man this morning, staring out of my stepson’s eyes. When had they started looking so wise?! What happened I can not say, only that I know for sure it was different yesterday. Or… Had that been last week? Maybe the one before? Hard to… Continue Reading “I Met a Young Man”
Anghiari, Italy to be exact. This was recently posted by a friend of my father’s. Found a place I thought he’d like. Lots going on. Fireflies in June so bright you don’t need a flashlight. So many frogs you can’t hear yourself think. Wild… Continue Reading “The Scattering: Dennis Gobets Goes to Italy”
One year ago, (now 3) I drove across town with the boys in blissful ignorance of what the day would bring. We were on a mission to find post-Thanksgiving donuts to round out our holiday gluttony. As we passed the lake; I saw that it was… Continue Reading “TBT- Time is never on sale. Get It While You Can!”
Sometime in June I blinked, and BLAMO! It’s October. Most of my writing efforts this summer have focused on becoming unexpected duck farmers and The Scattering. The homestead vegetation has been unaffected by my lack of record keeping. Our fence worked wonders for the vegetable production this year!… Continue Reading “2016 Garden Recap (Better Late Than Never. Right?)”
When you are a student, the word summer is synonyms with freedom. At least it was for me. My last day of Kindergarten I thought, “Ok, cool. That was fun. Thank god it’s over! Back to real life.” Then came the next fall’s rude awakening; this whole ‘school… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Summer”
I mean literally. My figurative ducks are all over the place! However, I have found that actual ducks are easy to get in a row. Step 1: Put down a line of food… that pretty much does the trick. Fun fact: it works for chickens too. It is… Continue Reading “Getting All Our Ducks in a Row”
This summer has been a whirlwind. Work fills my days + the homestead and boys fill the days off. It has been difficult to find time to breath, never mind write anything coherent or take any pictures. With a few dozen employs and a hefty commute, it seems like I am… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Water”
This week is my birthday and yesterday I got the most amazing gift I have ever received. We have a tradition of handmade gifts here on the homestead. Money is always tight and gifts are usually better when thought and effort create them, rather than a factory somewhere… Continue Reading “Best Present EVER!”
… of ducks and women often go awry. This spring, we decided NOT to add anything to the menagerie. Then our ducks went ahead and veto that decision. Of course, it is my fault for letting them sit on the eggs but if you have ever encountered… Continue Reading “The Best Laid Plans”
Steamer Lane is an epic break in Santa Cruz. Home to many a surfing contest and the highlight of surf films old and new. I leaned how to surf at the next beach down (Cowells) when I was a girl. The Lane has always… Continue Reading “The Scattering Part 4- Stashing Dennis At The Lane”
I have managed to maintain my cherub like demeanor pretty well these past couple weeks. I felt accomplished to be so at peace with beginning the LONG process of placing my dad’s ashes. His birthday was last Monday and until today I was holding up REALLY well. Two days… Continue Reading “A Father’s Day Flower For My Daddy”
I have spent the last two years processing my own dad’s death. Publicly and privately. Fatherhood has been constantly on my mind. His birthday was always around (and even some years ON) Father’s Day and so the day has always seemed custom made for him. But for… Continue Reading “The Best Dad In The World.”
My sister and I were raised by a rabid surfing gang referred to by its members as Team Squeam. Our parents were the only ones in this group of free spirited hippy surfers, to have children. Since there were only the two of us; it… Continue Reading “The Scattering Part 3-Making Mud Pie With Daddy. Literally”
I grew up hiking EVERYWHERE. If there were no waves, there were always trails. Through fields, down cliff to the ocean or up endless mountains covered by giant Redwoods. Often past signs that read “No Trespassing,” all in search of the places where you… Continue Reading “The Scattering Part 2- Dennis Takes a Hike”
We set key to lock, and entered the underworld domaine of my father. A place of endless possibilities and combinations. Here, we would find the tools to begin my dad’s final trip. My mom got to work covering the table and preparing our workspace… Continue Reading “The Scattering Part 1- The Divvy”
That I would eat candy all day, even the kind that would stain my tongue bright “colors not found in nature.” That I would watch daytime TV to my heart’s content. I would never do the dishes. Well ok , maybe once a week.… Continue Reading “When I was a kid, I swore…”
On top of the mountain behind our house; is an amazing view of Great East Lake. We have spent a lot of time hiking to this lookout over the past few years. It has been a part of our routine, it was even the first… Continue Reading “Ent Tears”
The photo prompt for this week is ‘work.’ Oddly enough, I find myself with time off from work. It has been amazing. Of course, I made a bunch of lofty promises to myself about how productive I was going to be with my vacation. There… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Work”
Growing up the martial arts community it is almost impossible for me to think of “a path” without the concept of the Tao or Dao. Contrary to the notion of a well defined boulevard or road The Way or The Path has always been explained to… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Path”
I have been blessed throughout my life with great friends. In my early adulthood; I was elated to find that my family and I all had/have, true and close friendships filled with love and silliness. When I widen my focus I see many life long connections with amazing… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Friends”
The snow falling lightly on my window reveled itself to me one day. All the little flakes waited patiently to melt. Momentarily displaying their breathtaking detail, individual beauty and uniqueness. I was there to see it. But had there been no audience-the show would… Continue Reading “Death and Snowflakes”