Black Friday Two for One Special

“Care to join me for a hike?” Dennis Gobets 2009. Since Thanksgiving is not anchored to any particular date the anniversary of my dad’s death seems to fall on two days some years.  This year is one of them. Black Friday is always the hardest for me.  Since he technically passed on the 29th of November,…

Gruesome Gratitude

All night I tossed the turned, dreaming fitfully of the morning’s macabre task.  Each time I woke- my stomach dropped as I realized it had been a dream and the deed still lay before me. I woke up before dawn and headed out to prepare my station.  I cut the top and bottom off a…

No Dogs Allowed!

At its worst; losing a family member can be seem like a bottomless pit of sorrow, at it best it is a empty hollow place- either way it is an unavoidable ‘adjustment.’  Our own recent transition has been… as smooth as a thing that painful can be.  We had the benefit of knowing that it…

The Scattering: Dennis Gobets Goes to Italy

Anghiari, Italy to be exact. This was recently posted by a friend of my father’s. Found a place I thought he’d like. Lots going on. Fireflies in June so bright you don’t need a flashlight. So many frogs you can’t hear yourself think. Wild boar families running around with babies. Deer. Porcupines. And loads of…

TBT- Time is never on sale. Get It While You Can!

One year ago, (now 3) I drove across town with the boys in blissful ignorance of what the day would bring. We were on a mission to find post-Thanksgiving donuts to round out our holiday gluttony. As we passed the lake; I saw that it was on the cusp of solidity, a magical phase that only lasts…

The Scattering Part 4- Stashing Dennis At The Lane

Steamer Lane is an epic break in Santa Cruz.  Home to many a surfing contest and the highlight of surf films old and new.  I leaned how to surf at the next beach down (Cowells) when I was a girl. The Lane has always been part of my life’s landscape.  One of the few definite…

A Father’s Day Flower For My Daddy

I have managed to maintain my cherub like demeanor pretty well these past couple weeks.  I felt accomplished to be so at peace with beginning the LONG process of placing my dad’s ashes.    His birthday was last Monday and until today I was holding up REALLY well. Two days ago, I was thinking it was nice to find myself in…

The Scattering Part 3-Making Mud Pie With Daddy. Literally

My sister and I were raised by a rabid surfing gang referred to by its members as Team Squeam.  Our parents were the only ones in this group of free spirited hippy surfers, to have children.  Since there were only the two of us; it was easy to hand us down cliffside or piggyback us up…

The Scattering Part 2- Dennis Takes a Hike

I grew up hiking EVERYWHERE.  If there were no waves, there were always trails. Through fields, down cliff to the ocean or up endless mountains covered by giant Redwoods.  Often past signs that read “No Trespassing,” all in search of the places where you can plainly see the finger print of god. As a child; I…

The Scattering Part 1- The Divvy

We set key to lock, and entered the underworld domaine of my father.  A place of endless possibilities and combinations.  Here, we would find the tools to begin my dad’s final trip. My mom got to work covering the table and preparing our workspace for this rather ghoulish task.  I waded through endless drifts of stuff, exploring…

Death and Snowflakes

The snow falling lightly on my window reveled itself to me one day. All the little flakes waited patiently to melt. Momentarily displaying their breathtaking detail, individual beauty and uniqueness. I was there to see it. But had there been no audience-the show would have remained exactly the same. Little frozen moments.

On The Road Again

Since my dad passed two years ago a great many things have changed. Most of these differences have nothing to do with my dad or his death.  In some ways that makes his absence that much more surreal.  In the uncharted country of time yet to come, my lack of a father rarely seems to have any measurable…

A Question For My Dead Father…

Over the past two years, I have come to fully appreciate why people call it “the grieving process.”    After the initial shock and adjustment,  a long and winding road unfurled into the future.  I have started to adapt to my new fatherless state. Now: I remember that I can’t call him- before I reach for my phone to try.

Memorial Pillows

This summer has been one of the most tumultuous seasons in recent years and that’s saying something!  I thought it right to spend some time on simple things.  Like our couch. No, wait.  I know how that sounds and it’s not like that.

I Spoke Too Soon…

Some days are not as fun as others and some downright F*cking suck.  This Tuesday was one of the latter. We were so excited about our new family members but the excitement was short lived.  Tuesday morning, I went out to tend the lambs and my heart dropped into my feet when Rusty would not get up….

Death and Facebook

Unlike Myspace; I think it is safe to say that Facebook isn’t going anywhere.  The advent of this previously unprecedented way to stay in touch has made a huge impact on many parts of our society, for better or worse. When I started my account I did so for my dad.  My partner and I…

A Murder Mystery, Most Fowl.

Living close to the land reminds you constantly that death is a daily part of life.  The best example of this has been our experiences with the flock(s.) Our first young flock was decimated by a family of raccoons; two springs ago. One night 17 dead chickens. There were only three survivors. It was our fault of course, we…

Time is never on sale. Get It While You Can!

One year ago, I drove across town with the boys in blissful ignorance of what the day would bring. We were on a mission to find post-Thanksgiving donuts to round out our holiday gluttony. As we passed the lake; I saw that it was on the cusp of solidity, a magical phase that only lasts a…

My First Year Without A Father.

The end of November will mark one year since my dad passed unexpectedly. It has been the first year of my life I didn’t have a dad ready at hand.  Just a phone call away.  Not that I called all the time.  I am an independent person and have been my whole life (I am…

A Familiar Loss

Since the death of my dad last fall, my choices have catapulted our lives into a bittersweet mix of trial and change. Some good some bad, all different. The homestead has had many births and new beginnings but today I fear we must again morn one of our family members. Our cat Luna has not been home in…

Following Life’s Not So Subtle (Road) Signs

“High Ho, High Ho, it’s off to work I go.” Well, to be honest as a restaurant “lifer” I have been sneaking shifts bar tending down South at a cool historic inn.  It has been amazing to focus on the homestead and the boys this summer. My crafts have been selling (not as much as…

Judge Not…

Before Monday, I could have truthfully stated that I have never cried at the death of someone I didn’t know.  I think there are many people around the world who could have said the same before the passing of Robin Williams. I only hope we can all gain some perspective. There is much to be desired in our society’s understanding…

The Loose Ends…

 Devoid of purpose, I wandered. Making my way down the worn path to that old familiar place of fire and metal. The overgrown jungle of iron and found “treasures” from years of my dad’s ramblings. It was as he left it- when he left us. The spiders now sewing everything in their place. High on a shelf I saw…

The places I found you.

I went for a dive today, hoping to find you along the way. I took the back roads and chose the path. Hoping to find you somewhere, maybe on some mountain’s pass. What I discovered was exactly as I had feared. That you were no longer here, but I knew that from the start.

What does it become?

What does a birthday become after a person’s life is done? Does it transform into a day to mourn the last? I don’t know what to do- where to begin the task. The only direction I have to look now is back.