Shit Sandwich Part 3-The Spicy Pepper Anger Sauce
Some people skip this ingredient on their sandwich. Many folks only have a couple angry spaces they have to pass through in their grieving, and some of us get extra.
Let’s talk about death, shall we?
Hey wait, where are you going?
Why does everyone do that?!
In this sandwich metaphor I’m embracing, it should be no surprise that the meat of this process is the grieving, and that meat is raw.
Since she was born, it’s always been this way. During our childhood everywhere I looked in our small house there was a reminder of my sister. As we grew, the physical there-ness of her was inescapable. We shared a bed for many, many years and… Continue Reading “Everywhere I look, there she is.”
I was folding towels, of all things, when my phone went off across the room. Expecting nothing pressing, I kept folding towels. It went off again, beeping that a voice message had been left. I kept folding. Then it buzzed some more, with another… Continue Reading “Shit sandwich part one- the bread”
What a disservice it is to define magic in Disney terms. Reducing it to a stream of glitter leaping from a wand, but mostly because by those impossible standards, it cannot exist.
Squinting into the sun, I could not see what was right in front of me. The boys bounding over rocks, leaping casums and laughing at the day. Their little sister, trying to keep up, but trailing far away.
Last week, a beloved friend of mine posted a beautiful letter to her mother on the second anniversary of her death. I tried to think exactly how long it had been since my dad passed, and I couldn’t do it. Was it 2012? Or… Continue Reading “Is and Isn’t”
A mother’s prayers for her daughter
This year, I found myself an unemployed mother. The basic tasks of child rearing are not a problem for me, though the sleep schedule and PTO suck. The most difficult things was adjusting to a feeling I couldn’t put my finger on. Something that… Continue Reading “Gifts From Gaia”
What was the step too far? Where have we gone so wrong?! At what time did we lose sight of that essential thing that kept us in balance with everything else? Was it when we stopped roaming with the seasons and started cultivating fields? When we settled into towns and then cities? Was it the arrogance of proclaiming ourselves better than all the other beings on this earth? What would living in line with our nature even look like in modern times?! Braiding Sweetgrass really flushed out these questions, systematically untangling the roots of the tree that is ‘modern man’ and explored how we can once again participate in the Honorable Harvest.
*I wrote this a while back. It has taken this long to edit and post. All accounts of the gardens and sheep are not current 🙂 Summer 2018- Adjusting to having a daughter has been surreal and overwhelming in every way possible. There is anxiety that… Continue Reading “She’s Got the Whole World in Her Hands”
Dear mom, I hope this letter reaches you. My warden/guard/fellow prisoner will no doubt try to intercept this correspondence. (To date- she has postponed it’s creation by a week, using nothing more than dirty diapers and grunts of discontent.) She will stop at nothing… Continue Reading ” A Letter From Baby Jail”
I am expecting my first biological child this spring. We had been trying for many years. Just when I had decided it was not in the cards and turned my attention to enjoying all the advantages that came with my step children getting older, we… Continue Reading “What Produce Section are They Shopping In?!”
What would you do if you were is 1930’s Germany witnessing the rise of Hitler? Would you realize that something was very wrong with the trajectory of the leadership? What would you do about it? Before the current era in politics this was a… Continue Reading “The Era of Personal Responsibility”
Here we are again… I think everyone has experienced one of those relationships, romantic or otherwise where the same issue comes up over and over again. The same conflict argued round and round with no resolution in sight. Each person believing wholeheartedly that their argument is so inherently virtuous that neither side is… Continue Reading “Overkill USA”
I have thought many times before that children are the ultimate measure of time. Their progress is one of the most palpable demonstrations of daily growth. Children change at a rate that is impossible to ignore, as long as you are paying attention. It… Continue Reading “Taking Time to See the Light”
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good (wo)men to do nothing.” -Edumnd Burke The current state of our immigration policy is something I have tried to publicly ignore but like my Planned Parenthood post I feel the discussion has… Continue Reading “The Food Pyramid They Don’t Teach In School”
My mom was a school teacher before my sister and I were born. When we were a little older she started a pre-school at our house called Kid’s Garden. (Sara got to attend the first year but I did not. I’m totally over it…obviously… Continue Reading “Lessons From The Lupin Lady”
In 2017 I started more drafts of posts that have gone unpublished than ever before. There is so much I have felt I needed to say but I lack the time to get them to a place worth sharing. These scattered unfinished thoughts have been… Continue Reading “Frozen New Year”
My husband and the boys had me brainwashed into thinking it was going to be a boy. All the conversations we had about the new baby used the pronoun “he.” My husband kept insisting that he “only makes boys” (he was kidding, kind of) and with two… Continue Reading “It’s a… Middle Finger!?”
Four years ago, we were preparing for my dad’s funeral by early morning light. I was back in my childhood home under the redwoods in my mom’s kitchen; writing a joint eulogy with my sister and pouring some good whiskey into a flask for… Continue Reading “Unexpected Fruit of Grief”
It might be a bit of a shock that over the last four years of this blog I have left out one of the major aspects of our life together. One of the main reasons behind leaving my job for a simpler life after my… Continue Reading “A Little Big News”
My little cousin got married last month. Though truth be told, he can hardly be called “little” by any stretch of the imagination. He now looks a little like Clark Kent, can bench press an obscene amount of weight and will some day soon… Continue Reading “So Close and Yet So Far”
Color flows through leaves Reflection allows them see Beauty of their tree
Yesterday, I reposted a writing I did a couple years ago briefly touching on my opinion about becoming a woman in modern times. I have written on the topic more than once over the years but only in short bursts and specific situations- never… Continue Reading “The Lone Girl in The Locker Room”
This morning marked a rare day off, sans kids. I had a moment to reflect on a summer filled with work; most of my time spent away from our little homestead. Sitting with the birds in the sun, many thoughts passed through me. I… Continue Reading “Reflections of Summer”
I don’t know where to start, but the beginning seems a good place to try. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t believe humanity to be insane. From the time I was first aware of the world outside my own thoughts and opinions;… Continue Reading “Symptoms of an Insane World”
At its worst; losing a family member can be seem like a bottomless pit of sorrow, at it best it is a empty hollow place- either way it is an unavoidable ‘adjustment.’ Our own recent transition has been… as smooth as a thing that… Continue Reading “No Dogs Allowed!”
For over two months normal greetings between my husband and I have been replaced with one question. “How is she?” At first, the answers were hopeful but as time went on we both had to accept that we had gotten to THAT place. The… Continue Reading “All Good Dogs Must Come To An End.”
My godfather Mike was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS) when I was young. I don’t know how old exactly, or how long he suffered before succumbing to the illness when I was nine. He had given my parents strict orders that I was… Continue Reading “Declaration of a Different Kind.”
I wrote this on the plane ride of the first visit back home, almost seven years ago. I found it recently and was please that my younger self had left such a good reminder of what to focus on as I pass farther along… Continue Reading “TBT- Self Indulgent Ramblings And Abstract Metaphors”
I wrote this post some time ago now, and I did more than hesitate to post it. In fact, I almost didn’t at all. This is because my reproductive health is no one’s business! After a time, I was compelled to speak out on behalf of… Continue Reading “The Choice I Never Had to Make”
As the sun rises on this strange new world I wonder, what can I do? I want not to feel this ache. This void inside that I do not command, that it seems I can’t even touch or influence in the slightest way. I feel… Continue Reading “What Now?”
Last month, marked three years since my dad passed. In my meditations of him I came across a memory. Our family’s version of a holiday story; about a time when he poked me, I hit him and we both learned an important lesson about the world… Continue Reading “A Jolly Poke In The Ribs”
I met a young man this morning, staring out of my stepson’s eyes. When had they started looking so wise?! What happened I can not say, only that I know for sure it was different yesterday. Or… Had that been last week? Maybe the one before? Hard to… Continue Reading “I Met a Young Man”
I have always had the unquenchable desire to create stuff. Pretty much anything will do for materials, I can sculpt, draw, paint, weave, sew, and when all else fails I will completely make things up but there is nothing that I have ever done that… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Creation”
One year ago, (now 3) I drove across town with the boys in blissful ignorance of what the day would bring. We were on a mission to find post-Thanksgiving donuts to round out our holiday gluttony. As we passed the lake; I saw that it was… Continue Reading “TBT- Time is never on sale. Get It While You Can!”
I mean literally. My figurative ducks are all over the place! However, I have found that actual ducks are easy to get in a row. Step 1: Put down a line of food… that pretty much does the trick. Fun fact: it works for chickens too. It is… Continue Reading “Getting All Our Ducks in a Row”
This summer has been a whirlwind. Work fills my days + the homestead and boys fill the days off. It has been difficult to find time to breath, never mind write anything coherent or take any pictures. With a few dozen employs and a hefty commute, it seems like I am… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Water”
This week is my birthday and yesterday I got the most amazing gift I have ever received. We have a tradition of handmade gifts here on the homestead. Money is always tight and gifts are usually better when thought and effort create them, rather than a factory somewhere… Continue Reading “Best Present EVER!”
… of ducks and women often go awry. This spring, we decided NOT to add anything to the menagerie. Then our ducks went ahead and veto that decision. Of course, it is my fault for letting them sit on the eggs but if you have ever encountered… Continue Reading “The Best Laid Plans”
Steamer Lane is an epic break in Santa Cruz. Home to many a surfing contest and the highlight of surf films old and new. I leaned how to surf at the next beach down (Cowells) when I was a girl. The Lane has always… Continue Reading “The Scattering Part 4- Stashing Dennis At The Lane”
I have managed to maintain my cherub like demeanor pretty well these past couple weeks. I felt accomplished to be so at peace with beginning the LONG process of placing my dad’s ashes. His birthday was last Monday and until today I was holding up REALLY well. Two days… Continue Reading “A Father’s Day Flower For My Daddy”
My sister and I were raised by a rabid surfing gang referred to by its members as Team Squeam. Our parents were the only ones in this group of free spirited hippy surfers, to have children. Since there were only the two of us; it… Continue Reading “The Scattering Part 3-Making Mud Pie With Daddy. Literally”
I grew up hiking EVERYWHERE. If there were no waves, there were always trails. Through fields, down cliff to the ocean or up endless mountains covered by giant Redwoods. Often past signs that read “No Trespassing,” all in search of the places where you… Continue Reading “The Scattering Part 2- Dennis Takes a Hike”
We set key to lock, and entered the underworld domaine of my father. A place of endless possibilities and combinations. Here, we would find the tools to begin my dad’s final trip. My mom got to work covering the table and preparing our workspace… Continue Reading “The Scattering Part 1- The Divvy”
Spring forests in New England are amazing to behold. Bright green leaves are born of twig tips and explode to blot out the sun from the forest floor. The ground darkens and it seems like all in one week, you can no longer see the… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Layer”
The summer I turned 15, a friend called me and asked if I would be interested in bussing with her at the Italian restaurant in town called “Silvesterie’s.” I was. Bob, the owner and Executive Chef was a Sicilian man with deeply sunken dark-rimed… Continue Reading “Wine From a Soup Cup- A Story of Addiction.”
On top of the mountain behind our house; is an amazing view of Great East Lake. We have spent a lot of time hiking to this lookout over the past few years. It has been a part of our routine, it was even the first… Continue Reading “Ent Tears”
Back to last fall with my photo, Reflection. I had gotten in kind of a reflection rut. I just couldn’t stop looking down to see the sky. It lasted through the winter. There are worse problems to have I guess. Like not knowing how… Continue Reading “Photo Challenge 2016- Reflection”