Antiques Roadshow Thinks You’re an A$$hole and Why

Years ago we gave up cable and switched to Netflix and Hulu instead.  Originally this occurred because we couldn’t afford to pay $160 a month on anything we can’t eat.   We have not gone back because we don’t miss it, the bill or the content (frankly we still can’t afford it)  This has resulted in a few unforeseen consequences;

1)  We have no clue what is going on in the media, award shows, reality love contests, singing/dancing competitions, new movies,  new products, popular culture, etc..

and you know what? No one has blown up or burst into flames of ignorance!

2) The news and primetime line-up do not direct our household discourse.

3) Watching TV has become an active process as opposed to the days when you could just turn it on and it would yammer on forever.  We have to actually select and play shows.  Quite often we choose not to pick anything in favor of talking to each other, what a concept!

The drawbacks:

1) Lack of sporting events to watch.  This one has been hard as we both enjoy any good game.

2) We get stuck on marathons of one show or another and sometimes these binges have interesting repercussions.  Last month when we were snowed in we watched a three day marathon of real life crime shows.  I had the weirdest dreams for a solid week.  My husband on the other hand kept sharpening our hatchet.  At least it will be quick :/

Recently we found the PBS channel and years of Antiques Road Show episodes we had never seen, Fucking JACKPOT!!!

After a few solid days of appraisals we have started to notice some things of interest.

The Appraisers- I have become convinced that at least a small percentage of these people HAVE GOT to be serial killers.  I mean they are constantly traveling around the country it is the perfect cover for a killing spree.  I admit this thought could be a byproduct of switching from real crime shows to AR in too short a time span.  Or I’m right and you have been warned.  This could also be a result of too many wicked dirty Maine-tini’s.  To be honest most of them just freak me out, especially when they seem to get abnormally turned on by certain objects.

Appraiser: “This vase is one of the finest examples of ‘West bomb jazz pottery’ I have ever seen.  Look at the way the lip curves ever so slightly down and ends in this amazing flowerrrrrrrrrerer”

Owner of vase: “What are you doing under the table?!”

Appraiser: “Nothing! I have to go and get a second opinion on this from my colleague, I will be right back”

I also had the random thought that if organized properly the appraisers could become a gang.  They could wait in the parking lot and mug people as they come out. Of course taking care not to scratch or disturb the original patina on the item as they pummel old ladies to the ground and take their heirlooms.  God damn antique pirates.

I love hearing all the ways your great uncle bob diminished the value of an items especially when the judgment from the appraiser is passive aggressive at best.

“You can see this rather crude repair here”- accusingly circles repair with one of those little pointy sticks.

“Well, if you had left the original finish this dresser would be worth as much as a house, as it is now you should just cut it up for fire wood- you idiot”


“This painting should have been professionally cleaned restored years ago, how could you have been so neglectful?! Do you have any children?  I’m going to leave this table and call CPS right away.  If you can’t take care of an oil painting how on earth are you going to raise children properly.  We have to break the cycle. ”

I also believe that there is a trap door beneath some of the chairs and if you do something truly egregious to an item- HAHAHAH DOWN THE HATCH YOU GO!

The reactions to appraised amounts can be telling too.  You can always tell who the rich people are- Appraiser: “A conservative estimate for this rug at auction would be between $15,000-20,000”

Owner of rug: “oh, that is nice” (looks at rug as if they will be wiping their butt on it doggie style upon return to the estate. Though I suppose in most cases they have servants for that)

Some of the reactions are priceless though, like the old lady with the Frank Sinatra Letter- “JANIS! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! I need to sit down, JANIS!!”

Another good one is unstoppable laughter punctuated by out of breath exclamations “I can’t believe that pig is worth that much”


Owner: “Well I guess we shouldn’t use it as a door stop anymore”

Appraiser: “Can you move two steps to your left on to that big red ‘X,’ thank you.”

And now, things around our house I want to bring to AR:

Sure this was once just a stool from Lowes but I’m calling it ‘folk art’ because of the original “carvings” Isis has added to it.
The artist herself along with her next victim, I mean project.
We have not cleaned or refinished it in any way, I think it is worth at least a grand.

5 Comments on “Antiques Roadshow Thinks You’re an A$$hole and Why

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