It might be a bit of a shock that over the last four years of this blog I have left out one of the major aspects of our life together.  One of the main reasons behind leaving my job for a simpler life after my dad passed has gone wholly unmentioned.  The time has come to ‘go public’ and the best place to start is always the beginning.

In the spring of 2014 I got a call from my husband and The Boys as they made their way north from his ex’s house.  It went a little something like this-

“The Boys and I discussed it and we decided you should go off birth control and we should try to have a baby.”

“YAHHHHAH!!!”  The little ones yelled from the back seat.

I was taken aback.   Before we married we had discussed the possibility of another child and decided we wanted to try but only after we managed to knock down some of the massive debt we had accrued after the relocation cross country.   We had made progress in this respect but were far from debt free.  The Boys were 5 and 7, growing by the minute and over the moon about the possibility of more siblings.

I thought it was interesting that I was told about the decision instead of asked but not really surprised.  The surprise had come years before when I was shocked to find out that my mate wanted more children with me.  Knowing the back story of his first marriage I had assumed that he was content with two and without conversation I had accepted the reality that I would only be a stepmom.  His desire for more WAS unexpected but welcome.

I am not the type of person that had planned my life in any long term fashion; instead, I directed my choices from the options I actually had in front of me.   As a youth; when asked about my plans for a family I always said that if I was married and had a husband who wanted kids too, then I would love to have some but I never put too fine a point on it.  Who knows if I would ever find a worthy husband in the first place and I considered that a prerequisite for children.  I was not a girl who vowed to have children at any cost and for most of my life I made sure to take percussions against any such situations.  I have always been around kids in some capacity, from communal child minding of morning Jazzercise, to private babysitting, the preschool my mom ran out of our house and the kids I mentored in collage- I knew that children would be a big part of my life one way or another.

Children and animals are my favorite forms of life.

After my relationship blessed me with two stepsons (who I think are the best people I have ever met) and after multiple years of trying to conceive I had come to a place where I accepted the reality that another baby may not be in the hand I was dealt.

I can honestly say I never felt there was a void in our family unit that needed filling or fixing.  Of course I wish everyday the boys were with us more than they are (weekends during school, Mon-Weds in the summer and alternating vacations) but there is something to be said for having time with just the two of us.  I value my time with alone (as I consider myself good company) and have always been very aware of the all encompassing effort young ones require.

When talking about one long term plan or other, the boys would often bring up the possibility of a new sibling.  Last year I started adding that it may not be something we need to plan for since by now it normally would have happened.   They were still hopeful but I would remind them that it’s also a lot of work and a baby has a huge impact on daily life.  We discussed how nice it is not to have to watch ‘baby shows’ and now we can all go on long hikes and participate in more grownup activities.

Time passed.

The end of this summer I found myself in the bathroom at work, with a positive home pregnancy test in my hand.  My first disjointed thought was that I had finally won the ‘stick in the box game!’  After years of taking them hopefully at the end of every month this really did feel like an achievement.  The next thought quickly followed “holy shit!  I might actually be pregnant!”  The possibility had seemed so slim for so long, I could hardly believe it.

Ry was on his way home from a meeting out of town and I had to wait half a day before I could tell him in person.  He was excited but didn’t want to get his hopes up before we confirmed with a blood test.  After years of false alarms we were both in shock.

A blood test the next day text confirmed I was indeed with child!

We celebrated.  I giggled all night at how obviously proud he was of himself.   The elation was tempered by the realities of the first trimester of pregnancy while maintaining a heavy physical/stress filled work load.  In the spring, I had taken on the Executive Chef position on top of my Director of Food and Beverage duties at the hotel.  We were booked up with back to back, double and (some days) triple overlapping events.  This was on top of the summer transient occupancy that comes along with being a vacation destination in the White Mountains.

My coworkers and staff were amazing.  They were the first people to know since they would be the ones most effected by my new limitations.  My shift supervisors could not have been more understanding and helpful.  When I had contemplated having a baby I was always sad it would be away from my community support back home.   I was so wrong.  Every time I was scared or worried there were at least three people I could text, call or talk to who would instantly tell me it would be ok along with a story from their own experiences.  I cannot ever thank them enough for the love and care I was given.

To say I was exhausted is a massive understatement.  I felt horrible. With a three hour daily commute to work and four hour round trip weekend drive to go get the boys- I had never been so drained in all my life.  It became obvious to the kids that something was “up” with me.  I was taking naps and making excuses to rest during beautiful fall days, something they did not normally see me do.  Without knowing what was going on they humored me and again proved themselves to be some of the kindest most considerate people I have ever met.

After a couple of scary days, the first three month were finally behind us.  Initial Dr. visits and the like all taken care of.  We got to see the little bean (who already had fingers and toes!) at an ultra sound around 13 weeks.  It was crazy to see it moving around alive and well.  It was time to tell the boys and they were as happy as any parent can ask at the prospect of a new addition.  As a rule they are involved and present in our family doin’s and it was such a relief to have them so excited.

The other week while talking about the future- the oldest declared that I “was going to be a grandma” and he was going to be an “uncle.”

“Your brother got someone pregnant?!?  He is 9!!”

“No!” he said shocked and confused.  “But you are already a mom.  What does this one make you??”

“A mom” I replied now unable to keep a straight face.  I explained that you only get to be an uncle when your siblings have offspring as it became apparent from the conversation that he assumed there was some sort of age gap promotion at work.  A logical conclusion in hindsight.  I blew his mind by telling him you could be an aunt or uncle and be the same age or even younger your niece or nephew.  That was news to him.

We just had another ultrasound today and saw that all its little organs were where they should be.  Normal heart rate, fully formed spine, ten fingers and toes.  It was nice to see the little geeter again as I haven’t felt too much in terms of kicking, yet.

It would appear this spring we will add a new human to the homestead instead of a new batch of critters.  I promise this will not become a “mommy blog” though I’m sure there will be future mention of this new wrinkle in our plans.  The only sure thing is that the addition will have the best dad and big brothers the world has to offer.  Truthfully, I have been too scarred and tired to be excited, there is still a whole labor to get through before I get to hold our little bundle.

All I can hope is that everything keeps going well and try to prepare as much as possible for the new path we are headed down.  This will be an adventure for sure!

Be well and thank you for reading!

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