There is a clip of Jim Carrey making a commencement speech has been making the rounds and struck such a cord with me and our current state.

I was inspired by my dad’s death to take a chance and try to make a living doing the things I love without the compromise the comes with a guaranteed paycheck.

As Jim points out, that ‘safety’ is not lasting. The decisions we make out of fear for the future often lead to us left in the lurch when we no longer suit those paying our salaries.

To begin, my resting state is one of almost crushing anxiety.  Adding to that all the normal pressures of life and it often makes me want to find a rock and curl up.

Many people who know me would find this hard to believe.  Most would consider me strong, determined and extremely self-possessed- because I am.  It isn’t an act, I am not disingenuous about any part of my life.  It is a tremendous daily effort to maintain.

The fear has never stopped me.  In fact one of the things that has been paramount in my process is to go toward the things that cause pain and fear.

Laughter is one of the only reliefs and that is why I have such a grim sense of humor.  I can find the most horrible things amusing.

How can one have an anxiety disorder, live thousands of miles removed from family and support, take financial chances when we are in no real ‘safe’ place to do so and NOT be overwhelmed.

I don’t know but breathing helps.

Many people live safe lives of expectation and they seem happy.  I think we often choose a path that is consistently happy in place of one that will be equally filled with great joy and pain.

When I look at things this way- my ability to tolerate pain and discomfort in both mind and body is a huge asset to me.  I do not expect a life free of such things and so I tend not to make my decisions based in safety or expectation.

I act out of passion and always have.  If I think something, I say it.  If I do something, I own it.  Even when life would be easier not to- it would not be truthful.

I am fine being the only one standing up in a crowd loudly proclaiming what I think.  I am comfortable being tested and retested.  I have lived a life where it is often only my sheer will that gets me through and I am grateful for each second because I know who I am.

Here I sit again on the eve of my dad’s birthday, hoping for the future.

It will be hard, but it will be mine.

I know I have made my choices out of love, even when it cost me everything I had ever foolishly expected.

I also know it is one of the things my dad respected the most about me.

I don’t always get it right, but I try my best and own my consequences.

Above all- I believe love makes life worth living.  Love, truth and quite possibly, chocolate.

Ok, defiantly chocolate.

 

 

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