Because the beginning of next year starts with the end of this one I thought the end of last year was a good place to start the next.
Confused yet? Don’t be.
The changes this year held for us have been immense. We have done many things and many things have happened to us. It all begun with the end of 2013.
-One year ago I wrote:
Why do we feel the need to try and convey a year of change with a few paragraphs? How can you judge a whole year? The answer is that you can’t. But I am obstinate so here I go anyway.
The events of 2013 have left me. I do not much wish to cling to them. Not because they were good or bad but simply because they have gone on.
I am at peace with letting them go.
I have no desire to rehash what we have done. We were not idol and are now again surrounded by a household full of chaotic loving harmony. Lives big and small, furry and feathered fill our space.
I learned much about myself and those I share life with. Death and grief bring out interesting aspects of peoples’ personalities and it has been a trip to bare witness to it all.
I could list our accomplishments and failures but to do so feels like a needless attempt to justify my existence by holding them next to the deeds of others. I have no desire for such measurements to be taken of my life and efforts. I am happy to say that I feel no urge to attach myself to any of it.
This emptiness is a welcome thing and so I will make more room for it. I realized when contemplating the creation of this ‘year end in review’ that I had almost no desire to do so.
The lack of wanting, needing, planning, anticipating seems like a good place to begin a new thing.
Not that I feel anything really changes with the passing of a new year, only the numbers we use when we write-out the date. Why should be a schism or break?
Life just goes on and I am grateful for that opportunity.
Opportunity for what? I don’t know. Continued existence?
It seems such an unfortunate habit to try and plan, predict or otherwise exert control over what is to come.
Often I think the thing we are meant to do at these times is wait.
Not to fill our own heads with expectations and busily wile away today by thinking about tomorrow. Rendering us so preoccupied with what is to come next that we constantly miss the current moment.
I wish not to spend my time quarreling with reality because it doesn’t resemble what I thought it would become.
There are indeed many things I hope to experience or make a part of my life. I can’t help but feel I need to let them go and just wait for the unforeseen opportunities that will surly come.
Focus on the little things in my immediate sphear and empty my head of the clutter it tries to fill itself with.
Only when I am aware of the moment can I truly act in it. Not react to it.
All I can truly expect is that everything will change, a fact that I believe to be unavoidable. In what way it will change and in what direction, I don’t know.
I only know enough to know I don’t know much. I find myself in 2014, content here in my ignorance.
And that is:
To be continued…